I did it! (Fingers crossed)

I'm so happy I am doing handstands.  Two weeks ago today I ran out of cigarettes and I haven't had one since.  539,345,789th time is a charm.  I am happy because I didn't think yoga and smoking went together.  Though I thought the Smokin' Yogi kind of had a ring to it.  Samskara is the sanskrit word for the tendencies we have and include the positive and negative.  When we do something over and over again, it is like driving on a dirt road over and over again, reinforcing and deepening the ruts in the road.  Samskaras are like that.  After smoking for so long, the habit had become entrenched.  Always there was a part of me that really wanted to quit and was even disgusted by the habit.  But another part always insisted that I light up one more time which led to one time more and on and on and on.  It is easy to give up quitting and saying that I cannot do this.  I am glad that I hung on to the desire to quit until that desire became stronger than the urge to smoke.  I figure it is my purpose in this lifetime to deal with as many samskaras as possible, at least the samskaras of the negative variety.  I figure this is my purpose because I believe that I get more than one kick at the can.  After I die, I will be back and any samskaras that I haven't dealt with will be back as well.  And that is my story and I am sticking to it.

Practice

12.  They (thought waves) are controlled by means of practice and non-attachment.

13.  Practice is the repeated effort to follow the disciplines which give permanent control of the thought waves of the mind.

14.  Practice becomes firmly grounded when it has been cultivated for a long time, uninterruptedly, with earnest devotion.

Yoga means "union" or "to yoke".  According to Patanjali, "Yoga is the control of thought waves in the mind."  Later on he outlined an eight limb path that would accomplish this.  It is of interest to note that Patanjali wasn't referring to the system of Hatha Yoga to accomplish this.  The eight limbs refer to a system of ethics, concentration (meditation) and pranayama (breath control) to accomplish this.  By practicing the eight limbs we would eventually arrive at Samadhi (the final limb) where the control of thought waves has been accomplished.

I want to highlight the importance of practice as stated in the three sutras noted at the beginning of this blog.  Practice has three qualities:  repeated effort, over a long period of time and devotion.  Certainly these three qualities can be applied to a Hatha Yoga practice and a meditation practice, both of which I want to cultivate in 2011.  My practice has been spotty at best but the devotion is there.  The one thing that I have been consistent with is study of the written word as the library of books I have accumulated will attest.  However, I want to apply what I've learned to a physical practice.  The Bhagavad Gita assures me that:

"On this path no effort is wasted, no gain is ever reversed;  even a little of this practice will shelter you from great sorrow."

*  Yoga sutras taken from How to Know God, The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali and the Bhagavad Gita quote is taken from Bhagavad Gita  A New Translation by Stephen Mitchell.

New Year's Resolutions

My chosen picture really doesn't have anything to do with the topic of this post but I like to add a picture for interest's sake.  Mind you, I could talk about how this fall I have felt like hibernating and introverting and going inwards.  And after every hibernation or introspection comes a period of awakening or extroversion.  I'd like to think that I am entering that phase.  We will see.  Also, everytime January 1st rolls around, I find myself making resolutions.  I make many resolutions.  I say to myself that this is the year that I am going to lose weight, quit smoking, pay closer attention to my finances, do the nice things that I have an initial impulse for, etc, etc, etc.  I rarely make the progress that I hope to.  And this year I find myself saying the same things again but this time I really really mean it.  But seriously!  I do hope to accomplish the things I set out for myself but I realize, as they say in AA, "Progress not perfection."  The beginning of the year highlights a chance for a fresh start and renewed enthusiasm.  In the fall we are finishing up with things.  We get ready for the winter and cold weather.  By January, winter is well on the way.  We have passed the Winter Solstice and the days are once again getting longer.  Eventually spring will arrive and those new beginnings we dream about in January actually begin to come to fruition.  That is the ideal.

          "If there is not wind, row."  - Latin Proverb

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."  - Milton Berle

"Things come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle."  - Abraham Lincoln

One of the concepts that I am going to work on in 2011 is the idea that I must aggressively go after what I want.  Of course the challenge is to define what I want.  Another idea that I want to explore is that life is a process.  We never "arrive".  Everything is in constant flux.  Life is a flow.  It is a river, ever changing, ever moving.  This removes the idea that I can be happy when I complete my yoga training or I can be happy when I have plenty of money in the bank.  The point is that to become a yoga teacher, I must go through many steps and the challenge becomes to enjoy the process.  Plan for the future but live in the present.  Be mindful of the present moment.  One day at a time.  So my aim each day from this day forward is to look at my day, say this is what I have to do today and then enjoy the day as best I can.  And that is my wish for all of you.

Living with Bipolar Disorder

I was checking out Carrie Fisher's book Wishful Drinking.  I do want to buy the book but I did read the author's note at the back.  It is always nice to hear from someone who has been there.  I feel less crazy and abnormal when I see that someone else knows what I have been through.  Here is what she said:

"One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder.  In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls.  Not unlike a tour of duty in Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside).  At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage.  So if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.

     They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medications one has to ingest."

Now those paragraphs say it all.  There is not too much I can add to that except to say I know exactly where she is coming from.  That being said, it is worth every effort to get well and participate in life.  I think I have developed a certain appreciation for life that I wouldn't have if not for the bipolar disorder.  There are moments in my life that I am so happy and grateful to be here and perhaps I wouldn't know that pleasure if there hadn't been times when I wanted to make a grand exit.  I think anybody who has ever struggled with any type of illness or disability might know what I mean.  I certainly don't hold the monopoly on suffering.

Being Honest With Ourselves

Being Honest with Ourselves

Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we need to maintain.  The quality of that relationship will determine the quality of our other relationships.

When we can tell ourselves how we feel and accept our feelings, we can tell others.

When we can accept what we want and need, we will be ready to have our wants and needs met.

When we can accept what we think and believe, and accept what is important to us, we can relay this to others.

When we learn to take ourselves seriously, others will too.

When we learn to chuckle at ourselves, we will be ready to laugh with others.

When we have learned to trust ourselves, we will be trustworthy and ready to trust.

When we can be grateful for who we are, we will have achieved self-love.

When we have achieved self-love and accepting our wants and needs, we will be ready to give and receive love.

When we've learned to stand on our own two feet, we're ready to stand next to someone.

I don't remember where I got this statement but it is something that resonates with me.  It is easy to feel guilty for taking time for yourself but this outlines the importance for doing so.  When we take care of ourselves, we have something to share with others.  Also, by taking care of ourselves, we are able to stand on our own two feet and contribute to maximum benefit.  What was especially meaningful to me was "When we can accept what we think and believe, and accept what is important to us, we can relay this to others."  This is important to me because I am often shy and don't share when I think that I will be ridiculed.  But that self-censorship denies who I am and ultimately is not healthy.  Also, we have to accept ourselves before we can expect anyone else to accept us.  It is an ongoing process for me but I love self-exploration.  Now I don't feel guilty about it.

A Process

My grapes certainly don't look like this at this time of year.  There isn't too much that is green right now except maybe my house.  The dominant colour right now is white.  This is a period of dormancy and in the spring everything will come to life once again and start a new growth cycle.  Nature operates in cycles and I think that is true of myself.  But the stage in my cycle seems to be lasting a long time.  I have spent months in self-reflection and introspection.  I do feel urges to come out of that hibernation but it is a slow process.  There have been periods in my life that were more extroverted and outgoing.  But every so often I have to take a step back and examine where I am at in life and make corrections and look for answers to questions that I haven't even formulated.  It can get frustrating.  At times I feel stuck in one spot, spinning my wheels.  At other times I feel like everything is as it should be in the world and a feeling of peace and contentment washes over me.  It seems that when I am trying to force things, things are difficult and I come up against a wall.  If I relax, then I feel that answers will come in their own good time and will be better than anything I could ever imagine.  One thing about me is that when I am retrospective, I can never imagine doing anything differently and that what happened provided me the lessons that I really needed.  I just need to surrender to the process.

Happiness and Visions

I have been listening to "The Success Principles: How to get from where you are to where you want to be" by Jack Canfield (of Chicken Soup for the Soul fame).  One of the activities was to make up a vision board featuring your goals and what you want out of life.  I listed my goals for attending yoga trainings in 2011 and some sales targets that I want to reach, but these pale in comparison to the two things that jump out at me when I look at the board.  I see my family, my husband, my children and my grandchildren.  I also see a desire for increased health, namely mental health.  This took me by surprise because that was not my intent when I started the vision board.  I wanted to inspire myself to work hard to achieve my goals.  But it was wonderfully clarifying at the same time.  I do love my family and want to spend time with them.  And I do want increased health and stability.  Everything else is secondary.